It’s been a hard couple of months to say the least. The pandemic has hit closer to home this time around, no longer random, but more personal. Entire families affected, people we know personally and have close connections with perished, gone. The scariest and saddest thing was the rate at which it was happening.
Everyday a phone call, a message, a post, all with dreadful news, leaving no time to process, no time to mourn, no time to grieve. Being in a lock down definitely added to the eeriness.
Burials without funerals, grief without hugs: Coronavirus has changed how we say goodbye, social distancing during funerals, leaving mourners struggling to connect.
Coupled by the limited numbers permitted to attend funerals and burials or support the sick has been distressful to say the least, and just the lingering thought that you could catch the virus at any point.
Survival mode kicks in, the emotional numbness steps up. It’s hard to be supportive and sympathetic (even to self) when there’s so much grief consistently present. Stranger still for both men and women in a culture that has its own expectations around grief and mourning.
Following the death of a loved one, adjustment to the loss occurs at two levels, emotional and cognitive. Emotional: “Loss-orientation” - focuses on the tie or bond that’s been broken. Loss-oriented feelings are very painful and might affect interpersonal relationships as well as ability to function. A person in this space could benefit greatly from compassion from close relations as well as professional help from a mental health practitioner. Cognitive: “Restoration-orientation” - Focuses on the reality of dealing with a large number of changes and stressors associated with the bereavement.
Though grief is a normal process of reacting to (any kind of) loss, physical loss (death, health), social or occupational loss. Our emotional reactions can include anger, guilt, anxiety, numbness, irritability, sadness and despair.
The body also gets in to the act, with physical reactions that can include disruptions in sleep, changes in appetite and illness.
People vary in the ways that they grieve and also in the way that they cope. But, acknowledging it and allowing themselves to go through the motions will allow them to cope in a healthy way.
WHAT TO DO WITH GRIEF!
We can start by not being afraid of it: Many people are afraid that if they let the feelings of grief in, it will be all consuming and they won’t be able to get out of it. The only time that grief becomes all-consuming is when it’s hidden away/ stuffed down.
When one is stricken by grief, it can be more helpful to acknowledge it instead of reacting to it. Recognize it, can you look underneath your anger, your impatience, your tearfulness as grief that is looking/longing to be expressed?
Emotions seek expression and when feelings aren’t expressed, they build up inside us. When feelings are stuck, all sorts of negative things can happen (for example, an over-reliance on numbing activities, use of substances, emotional walls being put up, etc.). Try and understand it your grief. When we understand our feelings, even if they get really intense, they aren’t as scary and all consuming. If you understand that you are grieving, you can take steps to take care of yourself.
“Grief is the reflection of the connection lost. We think we want to avoid the grief, but really it is the pain of the loss we want to avoid. Grief is the healing process that ultimately brings us comfort in our pain.” – Kubler-Ross, Kessler
Sometimes grief can get complicated – it can lead to depression or anxiety that you can’t manage alone. Talk to a professional mental health provider, a therapist or a counsellor.
Sometimes you might feel traumatized by what you’ve gone through – experiencing trauma can make grief very complicated. Again, seek out a therapist/counsellor who can help you make sense of what you’ve gone through so you can grieve in healthy ways.
You are not alone!
